i saw a sketch

last night i saw a sketch,

it was a woman,

and her womb consisted of stars and planets,

i was humbled,

by the artistry itself as well as the concept,

this woman,

was exactly what she depicted,

a bright and shimmering idea in the mental womb of the woman who thought to sketch her,

and we are no different,

all of us—with worlds and galaxies swirling, churning and burning within our minds and souls,

eternity after eternity,

brightly piercing the silence and darkness within our bowels,

our wombs,

ideas,

dreams,

love,

love,

love,

within us,

daring us to release it every moment,

pleading with us to allow it a brief glimpse into the world of open eyes and weary hearts,

promising to devour and consume us from the inside out if we dare believe that a single sun would not envelope and purge us into nothingness if we were to ever get too close,

yet, we contain billions of them,

deep inside,

do you feel them?

let them out,

please.

☀️✨💫☀️💫✨

✨💫☀️✨☀️💫

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Chocolate Rose

Taciturn and full of wonder,

Seeking for all things beautiful,

And finding most of them within her own grasp,

Wondering if the world can offer what imagination and hope share freely,

Listening for any sign of life,

In a thought that gasps for air with every inhale of purpose she takes,

And yes is the answer to every question of freedom,

Because good things are promised,

And greater things will be received.

May it all align

I don’t want to be afraid anymore, of what could be, but likely never will. The worst things that I can imagine often flood parts of my mind that I’ve kept hidden quite well, unfortunately.

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I don’t want to be overly anxious about deferred dreams suddenly budding in open fields of delusion—and then cast my gaze downward in disappointment when I realize—that my core and truth were actually in a distant pasture.

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I don’t want to race time anymore because it’s too fast for me—its legs are stronger, and its arms are so much swifter than mine. I stare at analog time-keepers in amazement; ten years seems like just seconds ago. How’d you do it so quickly?

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I know that my mistakes and poor decisions are mountains that I scale in my sleep and hike back down slowly when I wake up—daily, but I’ve grown weary from the constant walking.

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I want to finally rest, and appreciate the journey as well as the view from where I sit. Rest.

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May it all align, in its proper time. 🕚💛

two months

That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve been feeling off-center and not my usual self. It’s almost scary to say that because there’s a stigma when someone is transparent, and the transparency isn’t perceived as positive. I mean, I get it; we want everyone to live in this positive, perfect bubble at all times like this is a fantasy world.

But that’s a lie.

It’s just not a reality, and I wish that people were more honest about that.

But, I digress.

It’s been about two months, probably longer, but I’ll round down to 60 days, give or take. I’ve not felt as motivated I guess, for a number of reasons. It tends to happen when you feel like you’ve been working and toiling and don’t have much to show for it; at least not much that you can see. And that’s with everything across the board: health, career, finances, relationships, inner-peace and satisfaction, etc. All of it. I don’t feel like I’ve made a lot of ground, and that can be a bit frustrating.

I know, I know; all things are working together for my good, the latter shall be greater, and despise not the day of small beginnings. I understand. But, is it okay to be human for a moment? Is it okay to be brutally honest about not feeling like you measure up, or that you’re not as gifted and talented and “destined, anointed, appointed and called” as you people say?

Is it okay to not “feel” what you “know,” sometimes?

I know ultimately everything will be okay and work out, but so often people are transparent about the ending and not the process. Nothing against that because I do it to. But, I want to be able to look back at this post and be just as encouraged by it as I am when I make the post in the future about: finally getting that major publishing and film deal, about finally being able to tell my mom she can stop working, about doing huge things in the ENC school systems to inspire and encourage the kids to pursue their dreams, philanthropy, international book releases and signings, film premieres, my first time hitting the NYT Bestseller list at #1 (and the second time, third time, fourth time, etc.), my first Grammy, my first Pulitzer, my first Oscar, opening doors for my closest friends and family to not have to have day jobs anymore and do what’s in their hearts instead, being about 155-160 lbs. and my Gucci outfit and shoes fitting PERFECTLY, getting my first presidential Rolex, getting my first Tesla Model X (all black with black rims)…I had to throw a couple of vain things in there, :).

I want to remember this moment.

I want to remember right now.

When all of those things seem so far away and out of sight, when in actuality…

…I’ve never been closer.

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I watched a Netflix documentary on Walt Disney. He started his company from literally nothing. He was a farm kid (ironic, because all of my immediate ancestors grew up on farms and constantly told me stories about it; they even made sure to make me do some of the same chores they had to do as kids). When he started, at one point he lost everything. He would sleep in his work office because he was homeless, that is until he was evicted from the “Laugh-O-gram” office also. It was during that time, while eating food from trash cans and such, that he befriended a small mouse. The imagination and resilience that was inherent in his DNA turned that unlikely friendship into the idea that sparked the creation of “Mickey Mouse,” and changed the creative world as we know it.

I also read up on 24-year-old Tomi Adeyemi, author of “Children of Blood and Bone.” I mean, she’s created a story that has been critically acclaimed and landed her a 7-figure film deal, which is one of the largest in history thus far (I’m going to see if I can beat her though, lol). I’ve been researching to see if she initially self-published it, or if she simply shopped it around to publishers until she was accepted. I’m thinking her first run was self-published, but I haven’t been able to verify that just yet.

I DM’d her but she hasn’t responded as of today so far; I’ll show her this post one day and I’m sure that we’ll have a nice laugh about it, ha!

A friend of mine also sent me a video of a domino experiment. Each domino was 1.5 times larger than the one before it. The first one was literally a few grams in weight, the last one, of 13 total dominos, was over 100 lbs. Surprisingly (well, not surprisingly, because it’s physics), after the first one was pushed over, the rest fell, including the final one.

A few grams of effort, with the right push of momentum, even if it’s a small push, can topple large obstacles and goals that far outweigh the initial effort.

Amazing lesson.

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I’ve seen all of these inspiring things and have received all of these encouraging “moments” from God, the Universe, or whatever terminology you personally prefer (the force, the power, and the “love” that both transcends, sustains, is above, blow, surrounding, and permeating through us all).

I receive those signs, moments, and messages from “beyond” as premonitions and foreshadowing’s to the upcoming scenes of my life…of our lives.

I receive them and I trust them.

6-3-18 will be a day etched in history, in time, in my mind…and now on my lineage of blog posts.

Here’s to the “soon-to-be-present” future.

🙂

Discord

Funny, random story—that will probably appeal to my fellow nerd friends, techie friends, biz friends, spiritual friends & creator friends—

(LONG—so read at your own discretion):

📖📝

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Fellow bizzies & nerds: last week, my friend in VA told me about the mobile app “Discord”—he’s been using it to connect with other investors on trading days to get analytics and to just be a part of a trading community (Discord is basically a digital platform used mostly by gamers and programmers for chatting, info sharing, etc.)—he invited me and I joined. Needless to say, I INSTANTLY fell in love, lol.

I started learning the platform, figured out how to search other servers and join them, and learned the “ins and outs” pretty fast.

Fellow techies & nerds: once I got the hang of it, I found a server with other programmers and techies (😍). The host or creator apparently created a simple coin-toss algorithm that lets you bet “pacs” which are like a digital coin (not the “Pac” cryptocoin though) that doesn’t hold any value (just for bragging rights in the chat). So, me being me, I started playing it and figured out the algorithm (it reminded me of my days in undergrad, creating programs in the computer lab for my engineering and programming courses, 😂).

Here’s where it gets interesting…

Once I figured out the algorithm, I got competitive—I figured out the codes to see the leaderboard for who had the most pacs in the chat, and over the course of 4-5 days, I passed the leader, who had about 1.3M pacs (I earned about 3M, 😂…honestly just because I figured out what the algorithm was doing).

One of the chat admins started messaging me (I had NO idea who he was—I thought that I was being trolled, 😂), along with other people on the server, asking if I was someone who apparently got banned before for hacking the system—haha. They started putting in codes to view my profile and history and saw that I had only been on for a week or so—they figured something was up.

The admin eventually saw what I was doing and told me to stop using my method before everyone started doing it—which I protested against because there was nothing written that said I couldn’t!

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…he banned me: 😞

Can you believe it?! 😡🤬

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I was mad! But it was funny too—I messaged the Discord support team, let them know what happened, and told them that it was unjust and unfair treatment! 😂😂😂🤷🏿‍♂️

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So then, I found another chat server that had a similar coin-toss algorithm. As soon as I joined it, I asked, “Are there any rules for using this algorithm? I was recently banned from a server for winning…” and LO’ AND BEHOLD…the SAME admin messages me and says, “the SAME rules apply…” 😲😲😲😡🙄…

I basically respond and tell him how messed up it was that he banned me—he explained how he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t risk everyone starting to use my method and making the game “unfair”—which, I understood. We continued messaging and actually had a really good exchange.

Fellow spirituals and creators: at the end of it, he basically said “NJ, you seem like a cool guy who I just got off on the wrong foot with—I’m going to remove your ban tomorrow,” (this was earlier today, fyi). I told him I would “mask” my system so no one copied it also.

…but here’s what got me…

He then started putting in codes and sharing a bunch of other servers with me to join that probably aren’t open to the whole community—and then said, “I’m pretty much one of the top admins on Discord; if you ever have any trouble with anything, just message me and I can fix it for you.”

Little did I know, he could’ve actually had my IP address permanently removed from the platform altogether, BUT FAVOR AND GRACE…😂😂😂…just by chance, or divine order perhaps, I happened to have an exchange with (and befriend) one of the top people on a platform that’s probably going to be pretty big as the world becomes more digital.

So now that everything is cool (haha), I’m using the coin-toss algorithm again in the chat—but NOW it’s frustrating because I know that I’m holding back! 😭😥 I know that I could earn a BUNCH of pacs in a really short amount of time if I wanted, but in order to enjoy the community and keep my word, I’m limiting myself.

I wonder how many other creators feel like the way the “system” of life, and the way our daily routines are set up, are inherently limiting—like waking up, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, running errands, going to bed, and doing a few “fun” things on the weekend before the cycle repeats, are all just a shadow of what’s preferred—of what’s possible…

I guess at times I feel like I’m playing a coin-toss algorithm in real life, and for whatever reason, I hold myself back from doing all of the things that I could be doing, in order to not be judged or to make others uncomfortable. I’m not sure why, but I just do.

I think we all do it to some extent, maybe?

I’m not sure; I can only speak for myself I suppose.

It’s something that I definitely need to pay close attention to and get to the root of though—the past couple of days have made me VERY aware of that.

I guess there’s a lesson in everything—even random moments experienced on mobile apps…

I promise—I’ll try.

Overwhelmed heart—full mind,

Wondering which path of the many before me is most accurate—exclusively accurate.

I have liberty to speak on doubt and uncertainty—I have every right to, because I’ve earned it in the darkest hours when no one was there to console me.

Even if they desired to, I pushed them as far away as I could, understanding that their understanding was a distant star to the close proximity of black holes which absorb my imagination and inquiries.

This gravity. This brightness.

I’ve attempted to close my eyes many times and allow the guiding light within me to show me the end of the tunnel of human limitations.

And all I’ve asked is that you prove what you claim to have proven before.

Just once more, and I’ll try to be satisfied.

I promise—I’ll try.

“Kindness follows light…”

I have NO idea who did this for me—but if you follow me, PLEASE know that I’m SO thankful…😭💞

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I came home to an awkward-looking package on my doorstep after a beautiful day out with my mom and brothers (much needed quality time).

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When I opened it—literally 7 of my FAVORITE things were inside:

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1. COOL SOCKS (Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fanatic for cool and uncommon yet fashionable socks).

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2. POTTER (J. K. Rowling is a role model and distant mentor that I’m already claiming—what she’s done with an idea she had on a train; turning it into a book and film series that has touched hearts abroad, assisted in defining a culture, and that will live on forever is breathtakingly inspiring).

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3. LIBRARY (I remember not enjoying reading much when I was young, mainly because I felt forced to read; usually to get “accelerated reader” points for English class. But, one particular night perhaps in middle school, a switch went off in my mind while I was reading “Huckleberry Finn”—I couldn’t stop reading until I finished it. Since then, the public library and Barne’s & Noble have been two of my dearest friends).

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4. POE (This one literally made me tear up—in early middle school, it was after reading “The Raven” that the thought first entered my mind to make an attempt at writing myself. I did a “fan-fiction” of sorts of the Raven and allowed my teacher to read it to the class. I was so nervous that I stood outside while she did it. When I came back in, everyone was applauding—perhaps out of pity, because I’m not even sure it was that good, lol. But in either case, it was a critical moment for me. Poe is my all-time favorite).

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5. A NOTE (This means more to me than any of it probably—handwritten notes are one of my “things”; if I ever write you something by hand, it came directly from my soul and I HIGHLY value you).

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6. TIME (The fact that someone took a moment out of their day, and money out of their pocket to give me something is humbling on so many levels).

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7. A THOUGHT (“Kindness follows light”…this will ring in my soul for days, weeks and years to come).

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Thank you, and may you receive 1,000 fold of what you’ve given me:

🙏🏿💫