🔥

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hours spent pursuing a version of a hidden self that used to scare me.

one that embodies my pains and my joys.

undiscovered, and bubbling from the rocky soil of a soul that still manages to be fertile at high altitudes and extremely high temperatures.

your light looks like lava.

and so does mine.

red tinted photons light my bedroom and it pleases me.

it reminds me of fires that we’ve learned to avoid from experience.

touched stoves become teaching grounds for optimistic toddlers who need swift lessons in life if they are to survive.

and become greater than the limits and constraints that the world looks so eagerly forward to placing on them.

don’t accept them.

from journeying across the Savannas, land bridges, Nile rivers and middle passages, searching for homes that were never meant to be constructed of wood, stone, earth, water or air…

…all that’s left for us is the blazing, beautiful, purging, fire.

3.14159265359

i’ve never

understood why

my dreams

are so colorful

when i fall asleep,

the palettes always

look more vivid than

the ones in the real world

assuming it’s a world…

that’s real,

and not scrambled computer code

in a simulation that we’ll make one day

…and forget about

a game of definitions, honestly

at this point,

i think i’m okay with that

being told what something is,

or should be,

[including myself]

by people who barely know me,

but by some advanced and divine revelation,

know what’s best for me,

and who i need to become…

…as if i’ve never heard the God in me on my own.

i suppose everything comes full circle.

and “i love you” gets encoded, scrambled and mistranslated along the way.

i pi you too.

💧

it feels like,
sea voyages,
and islands visible from afar,
backward flowing currents pulling me away,

slowly enough to not lose sight of the palm trees and soft sand,

but fast enough to turn my paddling into place holding with no propulsion,

churning,

churning,

still here.

closeness never felt so far.

sight never felt so blind.

and letting this current pull me further from you is the most addictive pain.

what would happen if i let go?

would you notice?

i wonder.

💧

i was never too keen on swimming

it wasn’t as secure as walking

and far less common in the city i grew up in

where the way you walked could easily define you

the ground

i was used to

it was familiar

but i watched and wondered from many pool sides

to be fair

i admired the arms and legs

slicing through blue liquid

propelling cookie and cream bodies

that seemed to be so fearless

brave

unconcerned with the possibility of

sinking

unlike me

so i watched

in fear and in longing

i only watched

it’s funny

i get the same feeling when i think of you

the same fear

the same longing

but,

i’ve never been too keen on swimming

how about you?

i need to get back to writing

i need to get back to writing

but the termites of disappointment

have eaten so many of my pencils

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i must see how many number nines
God has hidden in this cloudy mind of mine

.
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.

i need

to get back to writing

somehow?

~~~

because

i still dream vividly

when the clouds break at night

~~~

every
single
night

and i’m moved

3:04.

My 3:04 AM Dilemma.

I have music in my head that I don’t know how to play.

And I see colors in my dreams that I don’t know how to paint when I wake up.

I see shapes that I can barely sketch, and numbers that would take me far too long to calculate with my TI-83 from high school, so it feels like my hands are tied.

The closest I can come to expressing it is writing words that explain the way that they make me feel. I’m fairly good at that, but only describing the emotions behind what I’m actually seeing and hearing is limiting. Even though, I can write vividly and I’m masterful with imagery——I wish you could see it for yourself.

I wish I could offer guided tours into my mind.

But I’m always in here alone.

Maybe it’s best that way.

Thank You

Thank you for lifting my soul each time I wasn’t strong enough to lift it on my own.

Thank you for being divine when my humanity kept me from breathing.

Your mahogany pigment, sweet aroma and magnetic consciousness won’t let me leave you alone.

Thank you.

For touching the core of me with such little effort.

I love you, deeply.

And you love me the same.

Maybe more.

I look forward to finding out who you are.

Back

Tell me where you are right now,

I promise I’ll hop on the first thought smoking,

Out of this solar system,

Past those constellations that tease me,

Where we first met,

I think I remember the way,

But if you could just sing to my heart again so that it jogs my memory,

And so that I don’t get lost while I find my way for the millionth time,

Back to you,

Back to us,

Back to God,

Back,

Back.