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Tell me where you are right now,

I promise I’ll hop on the first thought smoking,

Out of this solar system,

Past those constellations that tease me,

Where we first met,

I think I remember the way,

But if you could just sing to my heart again so that it jogs my memory,

And so that I don’t get lost while I find my way for the millionth time,

Back to you,

Back to us,

Back to God,

Back,

Back.

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I’ve spent the last few evenings trying to understand whether or not you’re real.

Because, if you’re not then I need this cruel joke of a pleasant dream to end as soon as possible.

The oceanic depths of my own heart are too scary for me to explore without someone to come with me.

I’ve never been down there.

And I’m really afraid to let you come, even if you asked.

It could either be euphoric, or horrific.

Massively extravagant, or cold and murky—like caves that have long been abandoned by summertime kisses from a star that happens to be kind enough to allow us all to feel its tangible presence on a daily basis.

The closer you come, the faster I want to run away from you.

You remind me of everything that I don’t think I’ve even experienced yet.

I can’t run from you.

Because, I can’t run from me.

for both of us

late evenings transform themselves,

into early mornings without me noticing,

like vapors of water taking flight into heaven,

and leaving me here alone,

again,

wondering if the hands that crafted the souls of men,

will speak to you on my behalf,

and tell you that my intentions are good,

and desires are pure,

and interest is peaked,

but that i’m also afraid—

afraid that you could be it for me,

and that if that’s true,

then i’m already frightened of losing what i don’t technically,

have just yet in a manifested sense,

but truthfully—we’ve belonged to one another, forever—

i recognize that i deserve you,

i’m just aware that i’m not ready for you,

and i guess i’m a little nervous that you’ll recognize it too,

no; you didn’t arrive too early,

i just didn’t prepare properly while men slept,

and ants worked—according to the wise parable,

so please don’t be angry with me,

for condensing the last 3 decades into 12 months,

and please stay,

your patience is far too much for me to ask of you,

but i’m asking,

and praying that He tells you that i’m worth the unfairness,

of my request—

please stay,

please, please stay,

for both of us.

i saw a sketch

last night i saw a sketch,

it was a woman,

and her womb consisted of stars and planets,

i was humbled,

by the artistry itself as well as the concept,

this woman,

was exactly what she depicted,

a bright and shimmering idea in the mental womb of the woman who thought to sketch her,

and we are no different,

all of us—with worlds and galaxies swirling, churning and burning within our minds and souls,

eternity after eternity,

brightly piercing the silence and darkness within our bowels,

our wombs,

ideas,

dreams,

love,

love,

love,

within us,

daring us to release it every moment,

pleading with us to allow it a brief glimpse into the world of open eyes and weary hearts,

promising to devour and consume us from the inside out if we dare believe that a single sun would not envelope and purge us into nothingness if we were to ever get too close,

yet, we contain billions of them,

deep inside,

do you feel them?

let them out,

please.

☀️✨💫☀️💫✨

✨💫☀️✨☀️💫

Chocolate Rose

Taciturn and full of wonder,

Seeking for all things beautiful,

And finding most of them within her own grasp,

Wondering if the world can offer what imagination and hope share freely,

Listening for any sign of life,

In a thought that gasps for air with every inhale of purpose she takes,

And yes is the answer to every question of freedom,

Because good things are promised,

And greater things will be received.

May it all align

I don’t want to be afraid anymore, of what could be, but likely never will. The worst things that I can imagine often flood parts of my mind that I’ve kept hidden quite well, unfortunately.

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I don’t want to be overly anxious about deferred dreams suddenly budding in open fields of delusion—and then cast my gaze downward in disappointment when I realize—that my core and truth were actually in a distant pasture.

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I don’t want to race time anymore because it’s too fast for me—its legs are stronger, and its arms are so much swifter than mine. I stare at analog time-keepers in amazement; ten years seems like just seconds ago. How’d you do it so quickly?

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I know that my mistakes and poor decisions are mountains that I scale in my sleep and hike back down slowly when I wake up—daily, but I’ve grown weary from the constant walking.

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I want to finally rest, and appreciate the journey as well as the view from where I sit. Rest.

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May it all align, in its proper time. 🕚💛

two months

That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve been feeling off-center and not my usual self. It’s almost scary to say that because there’s a stigma when someone is transparent, and the transparency isn’t perceived as positive. I mean, I get it; we want everyone to live in this positive, perfect bubble at all times like this is a fantasy world.

But that’s a lie.

It’s just not a reality, and I wish that people were more honest about that.

But, I digress.

It’s been about two months, probably longer, but I’ll round down to 60 days, give or take. I’ve not felt as motivated I guess, for a number of reasons. It tends to happen when you feel like you’ve been working and toiling and don’t have much to show for it; at least not much that you can see. And that’s with everything across the board: health, career, finances, relationships, inner-peace and satisfaction, etc. All of it. I don’t feel like I’ve made a lot of ground, and that can be a bit frustrating.

I know, I know; all things are working together for my good, the latter shall be greater, and despise not the day of small beginnings. I understand. But, is it okay to be human for a moment? Is it okay to be brutally honest about not feeling like you measure up, or that you’re not as gifted and talented and “destined, anointed, appointed and called” as you people say?

Is it okay to not “feel” what you “know,” sometimes?

I know ultimately everything will be okay and work out, but so often people are transparent about the ending and not the process. Nothing against that because I do it to. But, I want to be able to look back at this post and be just as encouraged by it as I am when I make the post in the future about: finally getting that major publishing and film deal, about finally being able to tell my mom she can stop working, about doing huge things in the ENC school systems to inspire and encourage the kids to pursue their dreams, philanthropy, international book releases and signings, film premieres, my first time hitting the NYT Bestseller list at #1 (and the second time, third time, fourth time, etc.), my first Grammy, my first Pulitzer, my first Oscar, opening doors for my closest friends and family to not have to have day jobs anymore and do what’s in their hearts instead, being about 155-160 lbs. and my Gucci outfit and shoes fitting PERFECTLY, getting my first presidential Rolex, getting my first Tesla Model X (all black with black rims)…I had to throw a couple of vain things in there, :).

I want to remember this moment.

I want to remember right now.

When all of those things seem so far away and out of sight, when in actuality…

…I’ve never been closer.

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I watched a Netflix documentary on Walt Disney. He started his company from literally nothing. He was a farm kid (ironic, because all of my immediate ancestors grew up on farms and constantly told me stories about it; they even made sure to make me do some of the same chores they had to do as kids). When he started, at one point he lost everything. He would sleep in his work office because he was homeless, that is until he was evicted from the “Laugh-O-gram” office also. It was during that time, while eating food from trash cans and such, that he befriended a small mouse. The imagination and resilience that was inherent in his DNA turned that unlikely friendship into the idea that sparked the creation of “Mickey Mouse,” and changed the creative world as we know it.

I also read up on 24-year-old Tomi Adeyemi, author of “Children of Blood and Bone.” I mean, she’s created a story that has been critically acclaimed and landed her a 7-figure film deal, which is one of the largest in history thus far (I’m going to see if I can beat her though, lol). I’ve been researching to see if she initially self-published it, or if she simply shopped it around to publishers until she was accepted. I’m thinking her first run was self-published, but I haven’t been able to verify that just yet.

I DM’d her but she hasn’t responded as of today so far; I’ll show her this post one day and I’m sure that we’ll have a nice laugh about it, ha!

A friend of mine also sent me a video of a domino experiment. Each domino was 1.5 times larger than the one before it. The first one was literally a few grams in weight, the last one, of 13 total dominos, was over 100 lbs. Surprisingly (well, not surprisingly, because it’s physics), after the first one was pushed over, the rest fell, including the final one.

A few grams of effort, with the right push of momentum, even if it’s a small push, can topple large obstacles and goals that far outweigh the initial effort.

Amazing lesson.

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I’ve seen all of these inspiring things and have received all of these encouraging “moments” from God, the Universe, or whatever terminology you personally prefer (the force, the power, and the “love” that both transcends, sustains, is above, blow, surrounding, and permeating through us all).

I receive those signs, moments, and messages from “beyond” as premonitions and foreshadowing’s to the upcoming scenes of my life…of our lives.

I receive them and I trust them.

6-3-18 will be a day etched in history, in time, in my mind…and now on my lineage of blog posts.

Here’s to the “soon-to-be-present” future.

🙂