two months

That’s about how long it’s been since I’ve been feeling off-center and not my usual self. It’s almost scary to say that because there’s a stigma when someone is transparent, and the transparency isn’t perceived as positive. I mean, I get it; we want everyone to live in this positive, perfect bubble at all times like this is a fantasy world.

But that’s a lie.

It’s just not a reality, and I wish that people were more honest about that.

But, I digress.

It’s been about two months, probably longer, but I’ll round down to 60 days, give or take. I’ve not felt as motivated I guess, for a number of reasons. It tends to happen when you feel like you’ve been working and toiling and don’t have much to show for it; at least not much that you can see. And that’s with everything across the board: health, career, finances, relationships, inner-peace and satisfaction, etc. All of it. I don’t feel like I’ve made a lot of ground, and that can be a bit frustrating.

I know, I know; all things are working together for my good, the latter shall be greater, and despise not the day of small beginnings. I understand. But, is it okay to be human for a moment? Is it okay to be brutally honest about not feeling like you measure up, or that you’re not as gifted and talented and “destined, anointed, appointed and called” as you people say?

Is it okay to not “feel” what you “know,” sometimes?

I know ultimately everything will be okay and work out, but so often people are transparent about the ending and not the process. Nothing against that because I do it to. But, I want to be able to look back at this post and be just as encouraged by it as I am when I make the post in the future about: finally getting that major publishing and film deal, about finally being able to tell my mom she can stop working, about doing huge things in the ENC school systems to inspire and encourage the kids to pursue their dreams, philanthropy, international book releases and signings, film premieres, my first time hitting the NYT Bestseller list at #1 (and the second time, third time, fourth time, etc.), my first Grammy, my first Pulitzer, my first Oscar, opening doors for my closest friends and family to not have to have day jobs anymore and do what’s in their hearts instead, being about 155-160 lbs. and my Gucci outfit and shoes fitting PERFECTLY, getting my first presidential Rolex, getting my first Tesla Model X (all black with black rims)…I had to throw a couple of vain things in there, :).

I want to remember this moment.

I want to remember right now.

When all of those things seem so far away and out of sight, when in actuality…

…I’ve never been closer.

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.

.

I watched a Netflix documentary on Walt Disney. He started his company from literally nothing. He was a farm kid (ironic, because all of my immediate ancestors grew up on farms and constantly told me stories about it; they even made sure to make me do some of the same chores they had to do as kids). When he started, at one point he lost everything. He would sleep in his work office because he was homeless, that is until he was evicted from the “Laugh-O-gram” office also. It was during that time, while eating food from trash cans and such, that he befriended a small mouse. The imagination and resilience that was inherent in his DNA turned that unlikely friendship into the idea that sparked the creation of “Mickey Mouse,” and changed the creative world as we know it.

I also read up on 24-year-old Tomi Adeyemi, author of “Children of Blood and Bone.” I mean, she’s created a story that has been critically acclaimed and landed her a 7-figure film deal, which is one of the largest in history thus far (I’m going to see if I can beat her though, lol). I’ve been researching to see if she initially self-published it, or if she simply shopped it around to publishers until she was accepted. I’m thinking her first run was self-published, but I haven’t been able to verify that just yet.

I DM’d her but she hasn’t responded as of today so far; I’ll show her this post one day and I’m sure that we’ll have a nice laugh about it, ha!

A friend of mine also sent me a video of a domino experiment. Each domino was 1.5 times larger than the one before it. The first one was literally a few grams in weight, the last one, of 13 total dominos, was over 100 lbs. Surprisingly (well, not surprisingly, because it’s physics), after the first one was pushed over, the rest fell, including the final one.

A few grams of effort, with the right push of momentum, even if it’s a small push, can topple large obstacles and goals that far outweigh the initial effort.

Amazing lesson.

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I’ve seen all of these inspiring things and have received all of these encouraging “moments” from God, the Universe, or whatever terminology you personally prefer (the force, the power, and the “love” that both transcends, sustains, is above, blow, surrounding, and permeating through us all).

I receive those signs, moments, and messages from “beyond” as premonitions and foreshadowing’s to the upcoming scenes of my life…of our lives.

I receive them and I trust them.

6-3-18 will be a day etched in history, in time, in my mind…and now on my lineage of blog posts.

Here’s to the “soon-to-be-present” future.

🙂

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2 thoughts on “two months

  1. Wow, so beautiful and so true. This resonates with me in so many ways. While I am saddened by where you have been for the past two months, I want to reaffirm the notion that all feelings are okay. I am learning not to place judgements on emotions but rather pay attention to what they are trying to tell me. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for sharing the moments between starting and reaching big milestones. I appreciate your transparency, and it lets me know I am not alone. All of us are on this journey to creating lives we are absolutely in love with. Much love, Juaquina She

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